Well this shouldn't be! Chapter 2

Well this shouldn't be! Chapter 2



Now my dear readers, gaze upon the poor goblins.

Now they walk in the dark and ancient tunnels of the underworld.


And they walk, and they walk and they walk...


Gurly comma the smallest of the goblins is the first to speak up "So dudes. What ar' The 'e' in the word are is not pronounced, so no matter how the goblins pronounce the word you still need to write the letter e on the end. we gonna do?" he asked.


Lemp comma the second smallest of the crowd answers, apologetically (He was not in the mood to argue) No brackets, just commas

"I dunno. What do we have to do? Rom?" He asked comma the biggest of the three.


The large goblin, whose skin is green as grass, and a nose shaped like a crooked beetle (with a pointy head), with skin like sandpaper; looked down at the two other, and answered "We need a human."


"A human?!" he two smaller goblins cried out in disgust.


"But they smell so weird... and their they're not their. not green, or red (unless provoked or made feel ashamed)," Lemp said, "Their they're not their. disgusting," he continued.


Rom looked at him ´very`apologetically "I know," he answered.


They walked on a little while.


"Oh soap!" Gurly exclaimed in a loud manner.


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Now comma dear readers comma we shall go and see how our mortal hero is doing.


Now you see again see No need for the second see. the town of Intercourse.


Now see I don't like your repetition of see. a campus, a rather big campus. Which shall remain unnamed.


Our hero is now on recess and is consuming a weird Don't use weird again, choose a different word. substance called a hot dog, with his friend.


The campus yard is beautifully paved with limestones and there are pure green spots of grass here and there, completed with an oak.


Our hero, John, and his friend, Will, are now sitting under one of these oaks.

They seem to be looking for good mating specimens.


"Dude look at that." Will pokes Jhon John not Jhon. and then points at a wemale female. specimen. The two boys stretch their necks to see the bottom of the passing female.


"That's what I call: no colon here. Bootay!" John exclaims.


The female turns around, she is seemingly angry, and shouts "Call this!" and lifts her middle finger. She then strodes away stomping.


Will turns to John, "And a fiery spirit." John nods to this remark, smiling.


They are silent for a second. "Will comma let's go to "the hill"." Jhon says.

"The hill", it no need for the word it, it's redundant in this context. is the refuge of the two boys. It is where they go to forget the dificulties of life, and speak of the latest gossips.


Will looks at him for a second then he looks at his clock "We'll be late for the lesson."

John surged and stands up. He starts walking. Will follows hesitantly.


They soon reach a grassy hill which is truly peaceful and beautiful.


"Ahh, it's good to rest from time to time. Eh?" John asks Will.

Will nods and goes to lie down on the grass. John follows Will's lead.


They rest for a while but soon start to tell each other so juicy gossips.


"-And then she did it with him.." John said

Will looked at him and laughed "Yeah right. When..." He looked up at the sky "...Pigs fly!!!" He continued, shouthing. No h in shouting.


John looked at him tucking his fingers into his own ears "Dude you don't have to shout. I can hear you perfectly well," he said.


Will looked at him hysterically and pointed at the sky "Pigs fly," He said again.

John turned and saw a flock of pigs flying through the air with some weird bird wings.


"Holy mother of God!" He shouted in astonishment. And truly in the pure blue sky on one of the pigs was sitting Saint Mary, mother of Jesus, wondering. She was confused, how she had come here from heaven in such a short time period.


"Holy shit!" Will said. They soon heard a splashing sound from behind them. When they turned around they were met with the sight of a pile of... shit with a halo above it, jumping towards them with a quite low pace. They let the pile of crap jump past before they looked at each other.


"What would happen if I said... Piano," John wondered aloud.


They heard an odd sound above them and were just in time to jump away under a piano that fell with the speed of a.... falling piano.


"Whoa," John exclaimed.


"What would happen if I were to say----" He was continuing, Will came inbetween.


"Do not say. Anything."


"But-"


"Nothing!" Will commanded


[u]Okay; this chapter was kind of confusing. A piano? I didn't like it much, not to say that others won't though. The grammar needs a bit of work too. I'll give you a more advanced critique later, just now I'm off to review some more of the requests If you want anything else reviewed just ask.

-Kirsten xxx

"But they smell so weird... and their not green, or red (unless provoked or made feel ashamed)

They seem to be looking for good mating specimens.

a wemale specimen.

The two boys stretch their necks to see the bottom of the passing female.

She then strodes away stomping.

John surged and stands up.

tell each other so juicy gossips.

"...Pigs fly!!!" He continued, shouthing.

Will came inbetween.

"Nothing!" Will commanded

I like the way you start to open up the story in this point. This chapter really forces the reader to continue and could work as a first chapter in itself. Note, could, but it works better with the basing to this chapter. Still one thing bothers me. Why did they go to the hill? They just decided "hey lets go to "the hill", somethings sure to happen there." I think you need a good reason for them to go there. Way to go and what are the point things you earn for by the way?

So this is what you meant by dimensions being mixedup... Whoa.


I thought it was great! Especially the pigs fly thing... The holy shit part was (perhaps) a bit over doing it -.-

Sorry I'm reviewing this so late....

or red (unless provoked or made when made ashamed)

John turned and saw a flock of pigs flying through the air with some weird bird wings.